[HER:] They say it’s Christmas but I don't know
I don’t feel it until we get snow

[HIM:] Well I don't know what it’s like outside
But it’s warm in here and baby it’s yuletide

[HIM:] Babe

[BOTH:] I got yule babe
I got yule babe

[HER:] They say it’s too early for a Christmas song
Before Halloween we all know that it’s wrong

[HIM:] I guess that's so, but what can I say
I just can’t wait until Thanksgiving day

[HIM:] Babe

[BOTH:] I got yule babe I got yule babe

[HIM:] I see Santa at the mall
Even though it’s early fall

[HER:] And when it’s cold, with snow comin’ down
With your red nose, you get around

[HER:] So let them laugh and call you names
'Cause I don't care, I’ll play your reindeer games

[HIM:] Then I’ll fly through the air for you
Nothing brings me down, because she thinks I’m cute

[HIM:] Babe

[BOTH:] I got yule babe I got yule babe

[HIM:] I got you to wrap my gift

[HER:] I got you in a snow drift

[HIM:] I got you to trim my tree

[HER:] I got you to shop with me

[HIM:] I got you with bells that jingle

[HER:] I got you, you’re my Kris Kringle

[HIM:] I got you under mistletoe

[HER:] I got you to ho ho ho

[BOTH:] I got yule babe
I got yule babe
I got yule babe
I got yule babe
I got yule babe
I got yule babe
I got yule babe

We’re dancin’ to the polkas, under the mistletoe
Wearin’ our babushkas while we’re dashin’ thru the snow
We’re not singin’ Silent Night as we roll out the barrel
In Heaven There Is No Beer is our favorite Christmas Carol

Criminy Cripes it’s Christmas
Ho-ho-ho and ain’a hey
Criminy Cripes it’s Christmas
Jeez-o Pete, my favorite holiday
Criminy Cripes it’s Christmas
We’re headin’ to the tavern in our sleigh
Criminy Cripes it’s Christmas
We’re drinkin’ egg nog down in Cudahy

We’re goin’ to a Christmas party down at Serb Hall
When we’re done with our fish fry then we’ll deck the hall
If sauerkraut gives us bad breath we eat some candy canes
Then it’s off to midnight mass down at the bowling lanes

Criminy Cripes it’s Christmas
Pa-rum-pum-pum and ain’a hey
Criminy Cripes it’s Christmas
Don’t cha know, my favorite holiday
Criminy Cripes it’s Christmas
We’re headin’ to the tavern in our sleigh
Criminy Cripes it’s Christmas
We’re drinkin’ egg nog down in Cudahy

So now you know how Polacks celebrate yuletide
Everything is merrier down on the south side
So if you see Santa at the bar along with his reindeer
Don’t tell Mrs. Claus they came upon a midnight beer

Criminy Cripes it’s Christmas
Fa-la-la-la and ain’a hey
Criminy Cripes it’s Christmas
Jeez-o Pete, my favorite holiday
Criminy Cripes it’s Christmas
We’re headin’ to the tavern in our sleigh
Criminy Cripes it’s Christmas
We’re drinkin’ egg nog down in Cudahy
Fa-la-la-la
Pa-rum-pum-pum
Ho-ho-ho and ain’a hey

Oh, Kris Kringle, has a beard, dear
And he shows it pearly white
And a toy shop has old St. Nick, babe
And he keeps it, ah, outta sight

Now when that reindeer works with his nose, babe
Christmas presents start to fly
Fancy taste, oh, has Santa Claus, babe
And he always drinks martinis dry

Now down that chimney, uhuh huh,
Whoo Xmas morning, un huh
Comes a fat man with his holiday shtick
Someone’s fillin' up all the stockings
Could that someone be old St. Nick?

There's an old man, huh huh, ahuh
Down at the mall dontcha know
Where he's dressed in red, just hangin' around
Oh, the kids tell him, what they want, doll
Five'll get ya ten old Santa's back in town

So you better watch out and you better not cry
Mmm you better not pout, hey I'll tell you why
'Cause he's makin' a list and he's checkin' it twice
And he's gonna find out who's naughty and nice

Now Frosty Snowman, ho, ho,
Yeah, Rudy Red-Nose
Oh, Miss Suzy Snowflake and old Charlie Brown
Oh, the line forms on the right, kids
Now that Santa's back in town

I said George Bailey, whoa, Jackie Frost, man
Look out for that crazy Grinch and old Charlie Brown
Yes, that line forms at the mall, kids
Now that Santa's back in town –
Look out, old Santa is back!

Have yourself a merry Harry Potter Christmas
You know Santa Claus is just like Dumblemore
not like Voldemort
I hope your Christmas is truly magic
And may your stockings be filled
I hope nothing happens that’s tragic
Like having your parents get killed
So have yourself a merry Harry Potter Christmas

Hermione and Ron will both be here
To help you spread the Christmas cheer
You’ll eat every single chocolate frog
And have Hagrid over for egg nog
I hope you get the coolest toy
And you don’t see even one Malfoy
If you find your spirits are still low
Just decorate the whomping willow

And have yourself a merry Harry Potter Christmas
You know Santa Claus is just like Dumblemore not
like Voldemort (we love you, Harry)
May your season be merry and bright
With enchanted Jingle Bells
I hope there’s no Dementors to fight
And no unforgivable spells
So have yourself a merry Harry Potter Christmas

At Hogwarts School it’s Christmas time
And you’re still stuck at Privet Drive
Think happy thoughts like a Quidditch match
That your team won on your snitch catch
And things are gonna be alright
Cause maybe soon some silent night
You’ll find yourself alone with Cho
Under the mistletoe

Having yourself a merry Harry Potter Christmas
You know Santa Claus looks just like Dumblemore
not like Voldemort (we love you, Harry)
I hope your Christmas is truly magic
And may your stockings be filled
I hope nothing happens that’s tragic
Like having your parents get killed
So have yourself a merry Harry Potter Christmas
I hope every wizard and witch (have yourself
a merry Christmas)
Gets to go Christmas caroling (have yourself a merry Christmas)
And may your life be rich (have yourself a merry Christmas)
Rich as J.K. Rowling
So have yourself a merry Harry Potter Christmas
So have yourself a merry Harry Potter Christmas

At Christmas time, when carols ring
If you’re left out, here’s what you sing

When you’ve lit holiday lights, but you don’t
believe in Christ,
That’s a menorah
When your religion is older than Moses’ candleholder
That’s a menorah
It’s yuletide, dai-del-dai-del-dai, dai-del-dai-del-dai
But for you, no Santa Claus
Baruch ata, not fa-la-la, la-la-la
Egg nog fails kosher laws

When you’re best friend’s a moyl and you’ve run
low on oil,
For your menorah
When you’re buying some toys, but not for any goys,
At the mall
When you have a good book, but just the first five
chapters you took, that’s the Torah
What we say, is ‘Oy Vey’, in our Yiddishe way
That’s a menorah

When you do shopping later, ‘cause you’re having a Seder
Light your menorah
When there’s no manger and cradle and you’re playing
with a dreidel
Light your menorah
Hanukkah, not fa-la-la, fa-la-la
Though it falls close to Christmas
Deck the halls with lotsa lotsa Matzo balls
Then shlep your tokhes you go to a bris

When your friends they all kibbitz ‘cuz you like egg nog not Maneshevitz
That’s ferkakte
When the star on your tree has six points don’t you see
You’re a Jew
When your stocking is hung, but you’d much rather run
To Miami Beach’s shore-ah
Skip the flight and burn bright all of the candlelight
On that menorah
Oy veh

When I’m out shovelin’ I break my back yeah I’m so worn out
The snow and the ice I just might stop and then pass out
Let me go on to a Christmas in the sun
Let me go on, Santa I know you’re the one…

I dream of a scene where Christmas is green and I don’t even know why
Old St. Nick is playing a trick and I am starting to cry
Let me go on to a Christmas in the sun
Let me go on, Kris Kringle I know you’re the one…

When I’m out shovelin’ I break my back yeah I’m so worn out
The snow and the ice I just might stop and then pass out

In recess at school the kids who were cool made fun of me
out in the cold
Just was my luck that my tongue was stuck right to the
frozen flag pole

In Milwaukee now I dodge the snowplow; hope I don’t get frostbit
I fight the windchill down the sledding hill; it’s cold
as a witch’s t-t

It’s 40 below with 4 feet of snow it’s just like the Yukon
The forecast is bleak and gets worse next week I blame John Milan

Let me go on to a Christmas in the sun
Let me go on, St. Nick I know you’re the one…

Ist das nicht ein Christmas tree? (Ja das ist ein Christmas tree)
A symbol of pagan idolatry? (Ja, pagan idolatry)
Christmas tree (idolatry)
Oh du shtupid, oh du shtupid, oh du shtupid Christmas song
(shtupid shtupid Christmas song, shtupid shtupid Christmas song)

Ist das Santa at the mall? (Ja dat’s Santa at the mall)
Does he smell like alcohol? (Ja he smells like alcohol)
At the mall (alcohol) Christmas tree (idolatry)
Oh du shtupid, oh du shtupid, oh du shtupid Christmas song
(shtupid shtupid Christmas song, shtupid shtupid Christmas song)

Ist das nicht your xmas stocking? (Ja das ist mein xmas stocking)
Is it filled with Rudolph’s droppings? (Aw it’s filled with Rudolph’s droppings)
Xmas stocking (Rudolph’s droppings) at the mall (alcohol) xmas tree (idolatry)
Oh du shtupid, oh du shtupid, oh du shtupid Christmas song
(shtupid shtupid Christmas song, shtupid shtupid Christmas song)

Ist das a big long xmas letter? (Ja das ist a boring letter)
Where they brag their life is better? (Ja they brag their life is better)
Boring letter (brag they’re better) Xmas stocking
(Rudolph’s droppings) at the mall (alcohol) xmas tree (idolatry)
Oh du shtupid, oh du shtupid, oh du shtupid Christmas song
(shtupid shtupid Christmas song, shtupid shtupid Christmas song)

Is das Salvation Army bell? (Ja das ist the ringing bell)
Should we donate for Noel? (Nein we tell them go to hell)
Ringing bell (go to hell) Boring letter (brag they’re better)
Xmas stocking (Rudolph’s droppings) at the mall (alcohol) xmas tree (idolatry)
Oh du shtupid, oh du shtupid, oh du shtupid Christmas song
(shtupid shtupid Christmas song, shtupid shtupid Christmas song)

Is das nicht some reindeer meat? (Ja das is some reindeer meat)
Is das nicht ein tasty treat? (Ja das ist ein tasty treat)
Reindeer meat (tasty treat) ringing bell (go to hell)
Boring letter (brag they’re better) Xmas stocking (Rudolph’s droppings)
at the mall (alcohol) xmas tree (idolatry)
Oh du shtupid, oh du shtupid, oh du shtupid Christmas song
(shtupid shtupid Christmas song, shtupid shtupid Christmas song)

Is das nicht ein shtupid song? (Ja das ist ein shtupid song)
Has it not gone on too long? (Ja das song is vay too long)
Stupid song (way too long) reindeer meat (tasty treat)
ringing bell (go to hell) boring (brag they’re better) poopy stocking
(aww) at the mall (alcohol) xmas tree (idolatry) way too long (stupid song)
Oh du shtupid, oh du shtupid, oh du shtupid Christmas song

It’s that nutty, coo-coo time of year
When we raise a martini of good cheer
Well, actually all year, we drink it down
But what’s different here, is someone else
is buying the round

He’s cruisin’ the strip in his red jump suit
The trunk of his caddy is loaded with loot
Made a list of girls of ill repute
A ring-a-ding-ding, it’s Santa
A ring-a-ding-ding, it’s Santa,
He’s headlining with Frankie and the pack
A ring-a-ding-ding, it’s Santa,
He’s got the goodies in his sack, jack
A ring-a-ding-ding, it’s Santa,
He’s rehearsin’ with Eydie and Steve
A ring-a-ding-ding, it’s Santa,
He’s got the big gig Christmas Eve

Christmas in Vegas, you cats
We’ve strung the strip with Christmas lights
The high rollers are layin’ down bets
On who’s been naughty or nice
They’ve changed the rules for roulette
You can’t put your money on black
So you know there’s only one safe bet
That the fat man in red is back
He’s cruisin’ the strip yellin’ ho-ho-hey
Drivin’ a convertible instead of a sleigh
He’s gonna be your Christmas croupier
A ring-a-ding-ding, it’s Santa
A ring-a-ding-ding, it’s Santa,
He’s wearin’ flip-flops on his feet (neat)
A ring-a-ding-ding, it’s Santa,
He’s not used to the desert heat (no no)
A ring-a-ding-ding, it’s Santa,
Not like the north pole, it’s hot as Hades (woo)
A ring-a-ding-ding, it’s Santa,

This one’s for the ladies…
You better watch out, you better not cry,
you better not pout, I’m telling you why…

Yeah, ding-dong-ding, Santa has the hippest ho-ho-ho
A ring-a-ding-ding, it’s Santa,
He did it his way, wo-wo-wo
A ring-a-ding-ding, it’s Santa,
All month he’s playing Cesar’s
A ring-a-ding-ding, it’s Santa,
Then off to Branson to sing for the geezers (zam, boom)
A ring-a-ding-ding, it’s Santa

If I had a Secret Santa (if I had a Secret Santa)
I'd buy him a house (I would buy him a house)
If I had a Secret Santa (if I had a Secret Santa)
I'd buy him furniture for his house
(Maybe something for their chimney)
If I had a Secret Santa (if I had a Secret Santa)
Well, I'd buy him a K-Car (A nice Reliant automobile)If I had a Secret Santa, I’d buy him love
(What—like a hooker?)
No, it was supposed to be a nice holiday sentiment.

If I had a Secret Santa, (I’d build a manger in our yard)
If I had a Secret Santa,
(You could help it wouldn’t be that hard)
If I had a Secret Santa
(Maybe we could put a little tiny fridge in there somewhere)
You know, we, we could just go there &
hang out with the ox & the lamb
(Like open the fridge and stuff)
There would already be laid out foods for us
(Ooh like Christmas cookies and candy canes)
Oh yeah, and eggnog in case, you know,
the wise men get thirsty

If I had a Secret Santa (If I had a Secret Santa)
Well, I’d buy him a fir tree
(but not a real fir tree now that’s cruel, Joel)
Uh, no see, fir trees aren’t made out of fir,
they’re made out of…well, no they’re not made,
they’re, they’re just Christmasy evergreen trees
(Oh)
If I had a Secret Santa (If I had a Secret Santa)
We’ll I’d buy him an exotic pet
(Yep, like a penguin or a reindeer)
And if I had a Secret Santa, I’d buy him love
(I know it’s supposed to be a nice holiday sentiment,
but it still sounds kinda creepy to me)
Just let me sing it once

If I had a Secret Santa,
(he wouldn’t have to walk to the stores)
If I had a Secret Santa,
(take an open sleigh pulled by one horse)
If I had a Secret Santa,
(he wouldn’t have to eat any fruitcake)
But he would eat fruitcake,
(of course he would, he’d just eat more)
And I’d buy him really expensive ketchups with it
(That’s right, all the fanciest ke…Dijon ketchups!)
Mmmmmmmmmm, wait—ketchup with fruitcake?
(Ya gotta cover up the taste with something)
Oh, good point

If I had a Secret Santa (If I had a Secret Santa)
Well, I’d buy him a red scarf
(But not a real red scarf, that’s cruel)
If I had a Secret Santa (If I had a Secret Santa)
Well, I’d buy him some elves (a Keebler or a Presley)
If I had a Secret Santa (If I had a Secret Santa)
I’d hide her present under there (under where?)
I just made you say underwear
If I had a Secret Santa, I’d buy him love
(creepy, creepy, creepy)
It’s just a song I ripped off from Barenaked Ladies

If I had a Secret Santa (If I had a Secret Santa)
If I had a Secret Santa (If I had a Secret Santa)
If I had a Secret Santa, Ho Ho Ho

Out of the house we sneak out of sight
It’s Christmas Eve, but it’s bowling league night
Da wife will sure yell as
Me and the fellas go bowlin’

Here’s the ting, can you hear me
In the lanes people fear me
I got the fame from my 300 game
Bowlin’ in a league at Bay View Lanes

Far away we’re in first place
No one plays near to our pace
It’s a sure bet, unless we forfeit
That’s why we are bowling Christmas Eve

When I quit the guys have all placed a claim
On all my stuff, like my bowling shirt
They’ll bronze it all and put it in the hall of fame
All except my balls, ‘cuz that would hurt

It’s beer frame, are you bettin’?
In the lane pins are settin’
Oh a beautiful sight, then I throw a strike
Bowlin’ in a league at Bay View Lanes

Hey, Stasch, ha! Didja see that one?
Anudder strike for you-know-who. Hey, now you’re up.
Eh, let’s see what you got, Stasch buddy.
Oh, ho ho ho. Nice try Stasch, but you left the
five pin—you know what dat means. And here I
thought that was just a beer gut you got there.

In the playoffs we will kick some heinies
And we’ll mark in every single frame
We’ll have lots of fun and drink some Leinie’s
Oh let’s hope that we don’t miss a Packer game

This league is done
One more we’ll quick join
Cuz it’s more fun
Than a strip joint
We’ll drink beer and play
The Cudahy way
Bowlin’ in a league at Bay View Lanes
Bowlin’ in a league at Bay View Lanes
We’re bowlin’ in a league at Bay View Lanes

Everybody stops and stares at me
These clothes I’m wearing are strange as you can see
And I know just who to blame for this catastrophe!
But my one wish on Christmas Eve is as plain as it can be!

All I want for Christmas is a gift receipt,
a gift receipt, please, a gift receipt!
Buy me anything, just get a gift receipt, then I could
have a "Merry Christmas."

It seems like every gift I get
Is so awful that I want to burn it
Gosh oh gee, how happy I'd be,
if I could only return it

All I want for Christmas is a gift receipt,
a gift receipt, please, a gift receipt!
Buy me anything just get a gift receipt, then I could
have a "Merry Christmas."

Ok, look—I don’t want anything that was purchased off QVC
or the Home Shopping Network or some infomercial you saw at 3am.
I don’t want anything endorsed by someone who used to be famous.
Please, no exercise equipment—“Merry Christmas, you’re fat!” I know.
I don’t want anything hand-made, hand-baked, hand-knit or hand-decoupaged.
I don’t want something I have to wear the next time I see you or something I have to display in my home next time you come over.
And don’t you dare make a contribution in my name!
And if you try to re-gift something, I’ll know.

It seems like every gift I get
Is some horrible kind of misfit
Gosh oh gee, how happy I'd be,
If it wasn’t a piece of sh—ee-wiz
All I want for Christmas is a gift receipt,
a gift receipt, please, a gift receipt!
Buy me anything, just get a gift receipt,
then I could have a "Merry Christmas."
Christmas, oh. Well, there’s always my birthday.

I shop a lonely store
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know when they close
But it's Christmas time and I shop alone

I push my empty cart
At the Shopping Mall of Broken Dreams
With no credit card
and hey it’s Christmas time and I shop alone

I shop alone, I shop alone, I shop alone, I shop a...

My wallet’s the only one that walks beside me
My xmas list’s the only thing that's beatin’
Sometimes I wish that I knew how to eBay
'Til then I shop alone

Fa-la, Fa-la, Fa-la, Fa-la, Fa-la, Fa-la, Fa-la

I’m at the checkout line
That divides at 8 items or less
Of course I have nine
I am not express, I shop alone

Shop between the aisles
What's marked up and everything's on sale
Check the clearance piles
To see if it’s your size and I shop alone

I shop alone, I shop alone, I shop alone, I shop a...

Her present’s the only one that still eludes me
My lousy taste’s the only thing that dooms me
Sometimes I wish someone out there would shoot me
'Til then I shop alone

Pa-rum pa-pum pa-rum,pa-pum, pa-rum pa-pum pa-rum pum…

I walk this empty store
At the Shopping Mall of Broken Dreams
Just one present more
Now it’s Christmas Eve I shop alone

I shop alone, I shop alone, I shop alone, I shop a...

The junior high school choir is inside singin’
Salvation Army bell is outside dingin’
Sometimes I wish my head would just stop ringin’
The food court smell has both my nostrils stingin’
I’m runnin’ out of words that rhyme with ingin’
Please fade out now so I can just stop singin’

Somewhere under the tree
My presents are waitin’ for me
Every gift that’s on my list, hey
Our stockings are full—all from Santa

Somewhere beyond that tree
He’s there by the chimney
If we could fly like reindeer on high
Then straight to his sled, we’d find Santa

You know he’s far by the north pole
He’s near down at the mall
I know beyond a doubt
That we will get it all

If not we’ll meet down at the store
We’ll shop like never before (5, 6, 7, 8)
For presents to be beneath the tree
And never again we’ll ask Santa

(instrumental)

I know, yes I know, beyond a d-o-u-t
That you and me will get it all

We’ll meet down the street at the boutique
where it’s sweet, mm, and we’ll buy each other a treat
Goodies for we beneath the swingin’ old tree
And never again we’ll ask Santa

No no, bye bye

Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. Mm-mm-mm.

I’m your snowman, baby, My icicles will make you scream
I’m your snowman, baby, You’re cold as ice,
so we’re the perfect team
Don’t fall for a flake, that Frosty’s a phony
My ride is smooth, just like a Zamboni
I’m your snowman, baby, you wanna taste of this ice cream

I’m your snowman, baby, Get yourself a freaky frozen thrill
(snowman, snowman baby)
I’m your snowman, baby, let’s take your toboggan down the hill
(snowman, snowman baby)
I’ve seen the forecast; it’s the perfect gift
8 inches overnight, if you catch my drift
I’m your snowman, baby, the harder it blows,
the lower the wind chill

I’m your snowman, baby, Road’s are slippery,
so the goin’ is slower
(ooh ahh, thumpity-thump-thump)
I’m your snowman, baby, I get deeper when
the temperature’s lower
(ooh ahh, thumpity-thump-thump)
Out in the cold, after snowfalls
The perfect time to play with my snowballs
I’m your snowman, baby, And you can be my snow blower

Hey, baby, ooh yeah, you wanna get your driveway plowed? Oh yeah, I can salt it too, baby. Clean your sidewalk all the way to your back door.

I’m your snowman, baby, You got me workin’ up a sweat,
(I’m your snowman, snowman baby)
I’m your snowman, baby, And when I melt,
you’re gonna get wet
(I’m your snowman, snowman baby)
Grab my carrot and give it a yank
I’ll make a deposit in your snow bank
I’m your snowman, baby, And now you know
that you been frost bit

It’s a beautiful time of year
This season of good cheer
The yule log warms my heart so
That I want everyone to know

I wish you a happy happy Christmas
To you on this BLEEPING night
And may your loved ones be close by you
And may your heart be BLEEP BLEEP and bright
And let’s not forget to love
Each and every BLEEPER BLEEPER
And have yourself a BLEEP holiday
And a Merry Tourettes Christmas

For this festive holiday
I hope and I pray
For Baby Jesus’s birth
May there be BLEEP and peace on earth

I wish you a happy BLEEPING Christmas
To you on this blessed night
And may your loved ones be BLEEP BLEEPING
And may your heart be BLEEPING BLEEP BLEEP
And let’s not forget to BLEEP
Each and every one of us
And have yourself a BLEEP BLEEPER
And a Merry Tourettes Christmas

So on this silent night
Beneath the stars so bright
I think of BLEEPING shepherds
As I sing these BLEEP words

I wish you a BLEEPING BLEEP BLEEPER
To BLEEP on this BLEEPING BLEEP
And may your BLEEP BLEEPING BLEEP
And may your BLEEP BLEEPING BLEEP
And let’s not forget to BLEEPING BLEEP
Each and every BLEEPING BLEEP
And have yourself a BLEEP BLEEPER
And BLEEP BLEEP BLEEPING BLEEPER BLEEP
BLEEP BLEEPING BLEEP BLEEPY BLEEP
BLEEPER Christmas

O Festivus!
Your praises now we sing,
For the rest of us,
there will be no re-gifting

Thy shining pole of aluminum
Completely tinsel-free

We air grievances,
Oh Festivus,
can you spare a square for me?

Thy feats of strength,
are must see TV
Frank Costanza,
we’ll pin you first, you’ll see

Oh Festivus,
you are sponge worthy