If I Had A Secret Santa

If I had a Secret Santa (if I had a Secret Santa)
I'd buy him a house (I would buy him a house)
If I had a Secret Santa (if I had a Secret Santa)
I'd buy him furniture for his house
(Maybe something for their chimney)
If I had a Secret Santa (if I had a Secret Santa)
Well, I'd buy him a K-Car (A nice Reliant automobile)
If I had a Secret Santa, I’d buy him love
(What—like a hooker?)
No, it was supposed to be a nice holiday sentiment.

If I had a Secret Santa, (I’d build a manger in our yard)
If I had a Secret Santa,
(You could help it wouldn’t be that hard)
If I had a Secret Santa
(Maybe we could put a little tiny fridge in there somewhere)
You know, we, we could just go there &
hang out with the ox & the lamb
(Like open the fridge and stuff)
There would already be laid out foods for us
(Ooh like Christmas cookies and candy canes)
Oh yeah, and eggnog in case, you know,
the wise men get thirsty

If I had a Secret Santa (If I had a Secret Santa)
Well, I’d buy him a fir tree
(but not a real fir tree now that’s cruel, Joel)
Uh, no see, fir trees aren’t made out of fir,
they’re made out of…well, no they’re not made,
they’re, they’re just Christmasy evergreen trees
(Oh)
If I had a Secret Santa (If I had a Secret Santa)
We’ll I’d buy him an exotic pet
(Yep, like a penguin or a reindeer)
And if I had a Secret Santa, I’d buy him love
(I know it’s supposed to be a nice holiday sentiment,
but it still sounds kinda creepy to me)
Just let me sing it once

If I had a Secret Santa,
(he wouldn’t have to walk to the stores)
If I had a Secret Santa,
(take an open sleigh pulled by one horse)
If I had a Secret Santa,
(he wouldn’t have to eat any fruitcake)
But he would eat fruitcake,
(of course he would, he’d just eat more)
And I’d buy him really expensive ketchups with it
(That’s right, all the fanciest ke…Dijon ketchups!)
Mmmmmmmmmm, wait—ketchup with fruitcake?
(Ya gotta cover up the taste with something)
Oh, good point

If I had a Secret Santa (If I had a Secret Santa)
Well, I’d buy him a red scarf
(But not a real red scarf, that’s cruel)
If I had a Secret Santa (If I had a Secret Santa)
Well, I’d buy him some elves (a Keebler or a Presley)
If I had a Secret Santa (If I had a Secret Santa)
I’d hide her present under there (under where?)
I just made you say underwear
If I had a Secret Santa, I’d buy him love
(creepy, creepy, creepy)
It’s just a song I ripped off from Barenaked Ladies

If I had a Secret Santa (If I had a Secret Santa)
If I had a Secret Santa (If I had a Secret Santa)
If I had a Secret Santa, Ho Ho Ho

Parody of Barenaked Ladies' If I Had A $1000000 by Steven Page & Ed Robertson
Parody lyrics by Joel Kopischke C 2005

Vocals: Joel Kopischke & Mark Kindler
Drums: Del Bennett
Bass: Chris Kringel
Keyboards: Larry Moore
Guitar: Ralph Bruner
Accordion: Tom Kanack
Fiddle: Jerry Loughney
Additional vocals: Rick Kieffer